The darker side of people pleasing.
Trigger Warning: this newsletter will discuss my experience with emotional abuse. This may be difficult for some readers. I am not a mental health professional so if you or someone you love struggles with the issues I talk about today, please see the resources listed at the end of this newsletter.Just because you’re running a multi-6 or 7-figure business does not mean that you have to be bffs with everyone who crosses your path.
There. I said it.
You and I both know relationships are key in the business world, friend - 1000%. Doing good work and getting referrals are too - that’s how I got my last big contract.
But that does not mean that you need to bend over backwards to make sure everyone in your world is comfortable and loves you every single day of the week.
That’s not normal or healthy or anything close to what “running a successful biz” looks like.
And that might be a hard pill for you to swallow - it certainly was for me.
You see, I haven’t shared this before but I am a member of a 12-step program called “CODA”. It’s for people that desire healthier relationships and have, typically, been in an abusive relationship before. Unfortunately, that’s me.
I was with someone who emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me. Yelling and cursing me on the streets of Monaco? Yep. Asking me for money when I could barely afford to pay my mortgage? Uh huh. Constantly criticizing my body and my fluctuating weight? That happened too.
But I am proud to say CODA (with the help of my sponsor) helped me exit this relationship and find my way into a much happier, content life with a partner who treats me with the love and respect I deserve. ❤️
This journey hasn’t been all unicorns and rainbows. I often find personal growth goes hand-in-hand with biz growth. Let me explain.
As I’ve walked further into this world of entrepreneurship, I’ve realized that my desire to people-please which used to show up in an unhealthy romantic relationship sometimes shows up in my biz too.
Here’s what that has looked like for me:
Wanting to extend a client’s contract because I could tell she wasn’t happy with the fact that her contract was ending on-time - even though I knew in my heart of hearts, I’d already given her much more support than any of my other clients and was way over budget on her team support
Dying to smooth things over after setting a boundary with a client and having that client ask ‘if I’m okay because the tone in my message seemed very direct’ (note - even though this was likely unintentional, it was gaslighting)
Constantly checking my cell phone for client messages to see if anyone needs me to solve any emergencies because, don’t you know, I’m just *so* smart and *so* needed and I can def save you from your “”biz emergency"" (what tf is that even??)
Not ideal. But, as you can see, I’m really, really uncomfortable with the idea that my clients might not be 10000% happy with me at all times.
I’m really, really uncomfortable with the fact that I don’t always have the time and space to see the people that ask me to go for coffee or drinks in a given week.
And I’m suuuuper uncomfortable when I get feedback that isn’t 100% positive.
But you know what? As my sponsor said to me recently, “You have to do your absolute best and then you let go of whether or not the other person thinks poorly of you.”
Direct quote from her: “It’s good for people to call you a bitch from time to time, Tanya. It builds character.”
Now, I’m surely not out here to advocate that we should all be mean to each other or that you don’t listen to or solicit client feedback, but I do think there’s a world of grey between providing excellent client service and over-giving to your clients so that they will like you.
Because ultimately:
You can’t really control how someone feels about your service.
You can’t really control what someone thinks about your abilities.
And you certainly can’t control the results people get (or don’t get) from your time together.
Instead, join me in committing fully to doing your very best at whatever it is you do. And then, let’s all try to make peace with the fact that sometimes, people will call us a bitch. And that's okay too.
If you or someone you love is in need of support, here are some resources:
Counseling Connect Saskatchewan
https://www.counsellingconnectsask.ca/
CODA Canada
Saskatchewan Mental Health Services
Take care and talk soon,
Tanya
P.S. I still have some Business Blind Dates available in July.
This date is for you if you’re the decision maker in your biz and you have some money concerns that are keeping you up at night…
Should you invest in that big social media mktg co?
What about hiring an assistant?
Does incorporation make sense for you now??
These are legit questions, friend, because you and I both know that finance-y missteps are unique because they have the ability to seriously disrupt (or end) your biz. And I looooove to help you make better biz decisions.
So, I’m opening up some time in my calendar to give back to you - my faithful community members - and talk about the money side of your biz for free.
We can talk about ways to improve your profitability, whether to expand to that second location or adjusting hourly rate in a way that doesn't cause you to lose clients. Whatever is making you toss and turn at night.
You’ll walk away with a unique perspective on the money challenges in your biz as I’ll bring my honest, but loving approach to our convo along with my 13+ years advising 6, 7 and 8-figure business owners.
Regardless of where you’re at in your biz - startup, scaling, or maturity - you will gain clarity from our convo. So let’s chat. I have 4 of these 30 min Zoom Business Blind Dates avail in July.
In order to book your date, you’ll have to fill out this very short form: